A Crisis Of Confidence

 A crisis of confidence?

I'm not sure if that's the right phrase. I'll try to explain how I'm feeling.

I gave up making music 2013. It had become hard work, I struggled to write anything meaningful (at the best of times), my recording were sloppier than normal, my heart just wasn't in it, so it simply faded away.

In the early months of 2021 I started uploading all of my material to Bandcamp. This lit a spark in me again. During my hiatus I had sparingly written bits and pieces, and around July I started constructing and recording these songs that had been lingering about. Once I had completed the album I set about promoting it on social media. This is something I'd not done before. 

I struggled with it. My music means so much to me, and it's difficult to comprehend when it doesn't resonate strongly with others. After a few weeks of promotion I was burnt out mentally. It was at this point that depression sunk in, which is something I didn't really need to put myself through, and not something I generally associate with music production.

During my promotion efforts I found a very supportive community on Twitter I slowly pulled myself together and interacted with fellow musicians who seemed to understand where I was coming from, so before I knew it I was recording fresh material again. Another album has now been released, and I can feel the same stress, anxiety and depression hitting me again. 

A question was asked yesterday. "Why do you put your music online?" It wasn't directed at me specifically, but I simply don't have an answer.

I've come to the conclusion that my life is constructed around four main elements. 

• My family
• My work (to enable me to support my family)
• Exercise/Cycling
• Music/Painting

In order to maintain these elements time needs to be allotted to each. Music sharing and promotion is beyond the scope of my life. Also, generally, social media is not something I enjoy. A lot is lost in translation, and I take too much to heart when I probably shouldn't.

So, I'm feeling a little lost. Why am I doing this? I enjoy making music, but I don't enjoy sharing it so much. I find myself in the position of wanting to head off and do some soul searching. Should I just give up again? I don't think I want to do that. Should I just make music for myself and keep it private?

I'm going to take a break from the way I have been operating for a while. I've found starting this Blog quite useful for getting things out of my head. I will likely continue you that if the mood takes me.